My Autobiography

I just read an incredible autobiography of a guy my age and I feel like shit so I decided to write my own biography as a way of dealing with my sense of inferiority.

It is the 20th of February 2016, 00:18 a.m. Italian time zone (CET).

SO WHAT ARE WE WAITING? LET’S START!

 

                                        WHO AM I?

10547575_316258848555064_6503232779831056954_nI’m a 23 year old guy whose legal name is “Salvatore”, a name that none has ever used to refer to me. I was born in 1993 in Calabria (the Southern part of Italy) in a boring small town. 

I was intolerant to milk, I coudn’t brestfeed so I was fed with soya milk.
Later I got allergic to chocolate so I couldn’t eat sweets either.

I remember NOTHING of my childhood except it was boring as fuck.
I spent too much time with my grandparents doing nothing or repetitive pastimes.
I loved to play with old school Lego and I dreamed about becoming an astronaut and a scientist. Once I even asked my grandfather if I could dig a hole in his garden to build and underground secret lab.

My allergy to chocolate and my intollerance to milk went away by their’s own so I could eat sweats for some year without worring.

I was a little bit fat.

I started to have bellyache more and more. I developed severe allergies to hazelnuts, almonds, cherries, peaches, apricots, prunes, dust, mites and other stuff.

I was a short child, introvert, shy, with zero skills, I sucked in sports, especially soccer/football, the most important sport in Italy and almost the only one. Here EVERY (child) male has to be decent in playing it.

In school I was a capable child who didn’t put enought effort.
I was bullied from time to time and I was incapable to defend myself.

I spent A LOT of time on my computer playing videogames. More specifically: Gothic (1-2), Deus Ex (2-1, in this order), GTA Vice City, GTA San Andreas, Call of Duty (2-4).
Before that period I spent a lot of time on my computer playing arcade games like Super Mario and reading Encarta Enciclopedia. There was no internet in those times in that place. My dream was to become a robotic engineer and I was planning to move to the north of Italy for university.

In 2006 I almost died in a bike accident while throwing myself down a steep downhill that ended in front of a rocky wall. An old guy saved me. Since I was trying to avoid the wall by turning left, I hit with the righ side of my body so I ended up having 3 stitches on my right forehead, 2 on my right chin, a very hurting feet, a hurting arm and I almost broke my jaw. This happened at the beginning of June so I had to spend my entire summer at home with fever, orrible pain and a swollen face. I could eat nothing but liquid food since my jaw was STRONGLY impared for months and impared for years. Even nowday my jaw is not 100% working. As if that were not enough my computer broke some day before my accident and remained broked for the entire summer.

With my adolescence I was starting to get a little bit better with my introversion and with my skills.

When I was 14 (2007) I started to smoke a little but the thing didn’t last more than 1 year and a half because I got a severe bronchitis, I was stuck at home for about a month. I also quitted because I developed a light Hypochondria.  In that boring period at home I learned how to read russian alphabet by watching russian television and I learned some word of German and Romanian in the same way. (Now I forgot almost everything)

I had a canadian teacher in the first year of highschool who made me love english, so my grades went from 4 out of 10 to 10 out of 10. Nowdays I understand it very very well but I suck in speaking and writing it since I don’t have anyone to practice with because in Italy none understands english sentences that are more complicated than “The cat is on the table”.

Finally internet reached my country town in 2009: I was 16 and incredibly happy. It was ADSL but it doesn’t exceed 0.80 Mb in download EVEN NOWDAYS!

In this period I was a skinny dude so I started to go to the gym and to get some result. I was proud of myself.

Since I realized I was a social impared and incredibli shy adolescent I started to read a lot of stuff about psychology, social skills, NLP (mostly a pseudoscience) etc. as a way to fix myself and to get better with girls.

A better period of my life was starting, I was but some day before my birthday in June something changed.

I was about 18 (2011) and I started feeling VERY bad with my belly. The pain got every day worse, I had diarrhea even 15 times a day, I lost almost 8kg in zero time (17.6 lbs).
I was examined by tons of doctors and none knew what I wad. My social life was distroye. Somehow I was able to get my driving license with all the effort I was capable. If the price was to shit under a tree in order to get to lessons I would have done it. Indeed I did it.

I had my first panic attack while driving alone toward a near town but I didn’t know it was a panic attack so I thought I was just having an heart attack and I risked to die having an accident.

I couldn’t even go to school so the deputy principal convinced me to finish my last year of highschool trying very very hard to do the best I could. After presenting a medical certificate he gave me a special permission to go in and out of school whenever I had to.

Other students where very curious about my priviledges and kept asking why could I do that. They were envious of me since they didn’t know my situation and I didn’t want them to know.
I was able to leave my house just for a bounch of hours a week to attend some random lesson.
This hell went on for a year and a half untill in summer 2012 a doctor realize what I had and made me do an evaluation test to be sure: It was SIBO, i.e. an abnormal overgrowth of bacteria in my small intestine. The treatment was a shitload of antibiotics.

I got A LITTLE BIT better. Better enough to be able to leave to the north for university to study… drumroll… engineering PSYCHOLOGY!

I tryed very hard to attend every lesson but I didn’t manage it. In the first year I tryed and passed just 2 exams out of 8. Than I wasn’t able to attend university anymore due to my bad gastrointestinal health and my social axiety that was every day worst.

I had a VERY strong anxiety attack while walking on the street. Since I wasn’t aware of my situation I was 99% sure it was a heart attack and I went to the hospital. They gave me some drop of anxiety drug left me in the waiting room since the afternoon untill 5am when they dismissed me. I came back few days later for the same reason. Same results. (What was I saying about Hypochondria?)

That day on, for at least a couple of months I started to experience a strong ailment and pain in my throat. The pain decreased everytime I swallowed and ate something. Some day it was very very strong so I went to the hospital for all the ascertainments because I was sure I had a Hiatal Hernia. They told me I was 100% in health so after some month I realized it was “just” Hysterical BolusKnowing what it is doesn’t make it less painful but after some month it completely disappeared. (If I’m in a period of incredible stress and sleep deprivation it seldom comes back for a couple of days. Now I got used to it.)

I had a second panic attack (I didn’t know what it was yet) in a HIGLY crowded tech-shop situated in a basement that was in its last day of activity. I runned out to catch some fresh air. While I was just trying not to faint in front of everybody and was staring into space, a group of neonazi skinheads got pissed at me since in that period I had dreadlocks and a long beard. They were about to beat the crap out of me but than they just gave up since there were too many people walking. I was so confused in that moment that I didn’t even realize what was happening.

The following months were the worst ones, I realized I had severe axienty, social fhobia, and panick attacks. I started developing agorafhobia too. I couldn’t go out of my house, even going to the grocery store was VERY difficult for me and I was 98% of the time completely alone. I started taking anxiolytic drugs as self medication but they had almost no effect.

In a moment of sadness and sorrow I cutted my 4 years old dreadlocks.

I was disilluded with my faculty and for an unknown reason I decided to pass the entrance test of the medicine faculty. I failed.

But since I had taken an HIGH dose of anxiolitics and anti-diarrhea drugs (NEVER DO THIS!!!), after the obvious collateral effects I felt almost sane for the following 6 hours. Everything I learned about social skills in the previous years was somehow available in my mind and in an incredible moment of flow I felt and acted like a normal cool guy. I jocked, laughted and had fun for the entire afternoon with the girl sitting next to me during the exam and we like each other since the first moments. We got together some day later and after 2 years she is still my girlfriend. Undeniably the best thing that happend to me since… I don’t even know how long.

With her help and love I got slowly better over the months. I took antidepressants (SSRI) for a year without any visible effect and finally thanks to a very very good advice from a friend, after A LOT of procrastination and problem-denying, in 2014 I started a Brief Strategic [Psicho]Therapy which gave me incredible results and that I’m still doing. I started again to attend psychology classes, almost all my ex classmates got their degrees but I’m still struggling. Even if sometimes I’m sad for the time I’ve lost, the important is that I’m feeling well again and to be honest these problems gave me the opportunity to meet wonderful people that I couldn’t have met in other circumstances.

And this is me. Getting out of a miserable life toward an unknown future.

PER ASPERA AD ASTRA.

 
 
 
 

Linton Ouden
(the name I chose for myself)
20/Feb/2016

2 comments

  1. avatar
    The 8th Trickster

    You had hard time dude! I believe that people that had difficulties in their life would perish or will flourish into what they really are, strong and inspiring personalities for other fellows!
    Try to figure out how to channel all your energies into your passions and if you’ll succeed, you will be able to change not only your life, but the life of many others.
    If you want a practical prove of what I’m saying, read the biography of Elon Musk by Ashlee Vance. He has had shit like yours in his childhood but he was able to put himself into the right environment and work intensively on himselves and his passions. Well, now I guess everybody knows him ?
    Good luck buddy!

  2. avatar
    Linton, Chairman of Self OverComing's Supreme Soviet

    Thanks man. That’s the only thing that keeps me motivated during bad times. I added this book to my reading list! I appreciated it! 🙂

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